by Spencer Barnes |
I love an obscure callback. So does Doctor Who. Way back at the end of the fifth season, right after Amy and Rory’s wedding, the Doctor received an emergency phone call about an Egyptian goddess loose on the Orient Express in space. So off they went to save the day! Triumphant season finale! Let’s be best friends forever!
Except we never saw that story, and I was always sort of disappointed by that. It sounded magical, goddamnit! Instead, we went down a rabbit hole with The Silence, never to think of it again. Until now. Just four years and one face later. Hey, if you want the Doctor’s help, you’ve got to be patient. He’s a busy Time Lord.
We begin this week with a sweet old woman on a train, and by sweet old woman, I mean horrific crone. She’s made entirely out of jewels and impatient shouting, and we’re glad when she gets murdered immediately by a terrifying mummy.
We’ll eventually come to learn that this mummy is visible only to those it intends to kill and that it does so in 66 seconds after a flicker of the lights. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Is there an oddly distracting way of representing exactly how much time is left as if this were little more than a high-class episode of Double Dare? There is!
Once the mummy materializes, a clock appears at the bottom left of the screen counting down the time until the Duchess of Jewels goes bye-bye. The clock ramps up the tension because THERE’S NO TIME IT’S COMING, but I will admit that since I have the attention span of the dog from Up, I just ended up watching the clock instead of the action. It’s moving! I can’t help it!
Post mummy attack, the woman’s granddaughter (we’ll call her the Sub-Duchess of Jewels) is understandably distraught and calls for a doctor. Hmm, I think we can rustle up one of those somehow.
And what do you know? The Doctor appears! Along with Clara! Which is a bit surprising given the events of last week. What happened to all that “go away and never come back” anger from 35 seconds ago?
Well, it’s still there, but instead of tearful shouting, it’s taking the form of passive-aggressive smiles. Yes, what a treat for everyone. Clara is still leaving the Doctor, but not before one last hurrah on the Orient Express, space version. Because why have a train when you can have a space train? These are the essential questions of life.
But, a train? Really? You’re going with a train? Doctor, you’ve been a giant ass for the last two weeks. If you’re going to apologize for that through the medium of spacetime, you’ll need to do a lot better than some claustrophobic train. At the very least, you need to take her to Planet Made Of Money in the Chiseled Abs Galaxy Cluster. Minimum.
But no. A train it is. And a jazzy train at that, complete with a woman performing a cover of “Don’t Stop Me Now” in the background. We’re supposed to care because the woman is Foxes. Who is a singer. Yeah, me neither. I’m just disappointed that she’s not actually several foxes inside a human lady costume.
As the Doctor and Clara settle on the train, the Doctor begins talking about planets, but Clara wants to talk about feelings instead. This is why I’m always on the Doctor’s side. Clara explains how deep down she doesn’t really hate the Doctor. That’s nice. We done now? Great.
Instantly, the Doctor and Clara learn about the death of the old woman and the appearance of the phantom mummy, and Clara can barely keep herself from going, “PLEASE let it be monster mischief! PLEASE!” Oh, but you still want to quit? Sure. I believe you. The Doctor certainly thinks it’s monster mischief because after some eccentric finger twiddling, he’s off to do some late-night investigation of suspiciousness.
Meanwhile, Clara calls Danny to tell him where she is, which I don’t approve of. Home contact is not allowed when traveling with the Doctor. It’s so mundane. Doctor Who doesn’t have scenes where people sit on beds talking to boyfriends! Come on! That’s what literally every other show is for.
Clara seems to realize that calling Danny is a major faux pas because she hangs up to go do some investigating of her own instead. Good. No sooner has she left her room than she runs into the Sub-Duchess wandering the hallway carrying a single shoe. You know, like sane people do.
Next page . . . That mummy sure gets around.
Tags: Doctor Who, Doctor Who recaps, IMDb, Jenna Coleman, Peter Capaldi, Recaps, TV Recaps Read More via“Doctor Who” Recap: Are You My Mummy?
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