by Spencer Barnes |
Last week on Doctor Who, we watched the Doctor and Danny argue with each other, and then argue some more, and then sulk, and then mutter, and then argue for a while, and then change things up with a little more arguing. All in all, it was one of the Doctor’s grumpier adventures.
Maybe hanging out on present-day Earth just doesn’t agree with this Doctor very much, so this week, we’re skipping town and heading to the next closest option, the moon. Ahh, the moon: safe, peaceful, constant, completely free of spiders. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Lies! Everything could go wrong! As we begin, Clara is immediately in distress. She doesn’t waste any time, our Clara. She’s broadcasting an emergency alert to the people of Earth, telling them that she has a terrible decision to make. “An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.”
Eh. I mean, OK, that’s a pretty terrible decision, but what if you had to choose between, say, watching an entire golf tournament and lighting yourself on fire. Now that’s a terrible decision. With this, come on. Future of mankind. Obviously. Episode solved! The end.
But how did we get into this terrible state? Let’s rewind and find out. We return to Coal Hill School where Courtney Woods is back for some reason and being even more disruptive than before. She stole the Doctor’s psychic paper, and she’s not even using it to sneak into museums. The nerve! All this because the Doctor may have mentioned that she’s not special. Whatever. That’s appropriate punishment for vomiting in the TARDIS. Soft, even.
Being the teacher she is, Clara forces the Doctor to make Courtney feel better, and being the Doctor that he is, his solution is to take her to the moon. Naturally.
Seconds later, the Doctor, Clara, and Courtney are on the moon, year 2049, except the moon is a lot more inside than I thought it would be. As it turns out, they’re actually on a space shuttle, surrounded by a hundred nuclear bombs, preparing to crash land onto the moon. So, the usual.
After a relatively smooth landing (all bombs considered), the shuttle crew bumbles into the bomb room looking furious at the appearance of three stowaways, but that’s not what’s really bothering the Doctor. He has a solution for that. “Shoot the little girl first.” I love you, Twelfth Doctor. No, what’s really bothering him is the gravity.
The Doctor whips out his yo-yo to demonstrate that the gravity is far too significant and Earthlike. This is not normal moon gravity. Conclusion? The moon has been putting on a little weight. Uh oh. Moon, have you been hoarding milk shakes again?
The moon’s increased cuddliness has not gone unnoticed on Earth, where the tides are going crazy and drowning whole cities. That’s why the crew brought all the bombs. It’s time to kill the moon. BUM BUM BUM!
Not so fast. We need some questions answered first. Namely, what caused this? No one knows, but the trouble all started with a Mexican mining survey. Well, there’s your problem right there. How many times have we learned this lesson from venerable science fiction franchises? The second you start drilling for things in space, you find a flesh-eating virus, or a murderous alien, or a moon spider. Every time.
The team heads off to explore the moon base, at which point one thing becomes abundantly clear: the shuttle crew’s spacesuits are way cooler than the Doctor’s.
How could you let this happen, Doctor? You have access to the whole history of space technology, so why do you keep insisting on using these lumpy orange things? I know they have past-episode significance, but at what cost? You look like a depressed submarine.
When the gang arrives at the moon base, they find it deserted. Because of course it is. Just once, I’d like to visit a space base with living inhabitants who go, “Hi! What’s up? Everything’s cool here.” Just once. But no. Everyone is always murdered.
Next page . . . The giant spider of death
Tags: Doctor Who, Doctor Who recaps, IMDb, Jenna Coleman, Peter Capaldi, Recaps, TV Recaps Read More via“Doctor Who” Recap: The Moon Is Broken
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